今天我心情有一點怪怪的，可是說不出來到底為什麼，好像有一些悲傷的徵兆，可是病因不知道。今天我心情有一點懶懶的，可是說不出來到底為什麼，好像有一些悲傷的徵兆，可是病因不知道。
陶喆的黑色柳丁，完美詮釋了我前陣子的心情（倏地發現這首歌居然已經22歲了，真是時光無情，不過現在聽還是覺得很經典）。
最近的心情有點奇怪，每天好像魂不守舍的，總感覺漂浮在空中，沒有落地的踏實感。直到結束今天的早晨例行瑜伽，才又再度感覺我的靈魂和身體重新同步在一起。
這樣的心情，我想是源自於最近外在發生的一連串改變，以及內在的試圖重新調節所致。
公司從年初組織調整至今，經歷了幾波的裁員，撤換了Group CEO，直到最近終於感覺方向較為明確了；雖然零星的裁員仍然在進行中，但是比起年初未知的恐慌，現在的局勢似乎是已經有略為好轉。可能因為禁不起未知壓力的同事們，也紛紛選擇跳槽或離職，因此公司也不必進行大幅的裁員，因為再這樣下去人都要走光了。
只是，剩下來的人也沒有比較好受。
我們Team從年初開始的七人團隊，到現在剩下四個人，剩下來的人雖然對於被裁員的壓力可以稍微鬆口氣，但是人事凍結的結果，也使得工作量大增。
最近這陣子，每週幾乎都有同事被layoff，或是自行離職。了解這可能是組織調整必然的結果，但還是讓人處其中的人感到相當不好受，尤其是看著與自己較為交好的同事，紛紛離開，真的覺得心裡相當百感交集。
對於需要公司贊助簽證的外國工作者來說，想走又走不掉，這種身不由己的感覺，真的也讓人感覺相當煎熬。
壓力、沮喪、不捨、身不由己、未知的不確定與迷惘，對自己的要求及期待，各種情緒交雜在一起，造成了我最近可能感覺總是人在心不在的狀態。
直到剛剛的瑜伽課，透過呼吸、身體流動及心靈的舒展，才讓我再度感覺思緒終於和身體合一的感覺。突然也讓我意識到我自己常常提到的「正念就是活在當下」，前幾週的我，還真的不知道魂都飄到哪裡去了。
透過瑜伽課程進行中，身體酸痛、感覺伸展、呼吸合一的覺察，我有了再次重新活著的感覺。也讓我不禁想到，如果沒有運動和瑜伽，以前的我，如果在遭遇壓力的狀態下，會選擇如何調節自己呢？為了讓自己再度有「活著」的感覺，我可能會需要做一些強烈刺激五感（聽覺、視覺、嗅覺、觸覺、味覺）的活動，例如讓自己在喧囂的酒吧，任由一杯杯黃湯下肚，沈浸在音樂節奏與酒精的麻醉，企圖藉由這些強烈的外在刺激，填滿我心中的不安於惶恐；又或是想要藉由花錢來麻痺自己，衝動消費購物，或是選擇一家高級餐廳，讓自己的味蕾被強烈的被洗刷一番，來喚醒心中不明所以的空虛感。就如同性命垂危之人，需要仰賴體外心臟電擊器，希冀使心臟重回跳動的狀態。
以前的我，偶爾喝醉酒以後會哭，現在的我，倒是做完瑜伽或冥想後有時會舒坦的流下眼淚來。同樣都是釋放情緒，但是這兩種哭好像又有點不同，喝醉酒常常是頭很痛又吐的亂七八糟，隔天起來也沒有感覺到清爽，而瑜伽或冥想後的流淚，卻好像真的是從裡到外被洗滌過的感覺，是一種很舒服的釋放與解脫（儘管有時候向內挖掘的過程可能也不是太舒服）。
現在的我，似乎更傾向藉由後者的方式，來幫助我舒緩及調節壓力。透過後者的方式，也似乎能夠更讓效果較為穩定且持久。
前陣子不知道為什麼在Youtube被推播《禪師不打坐》的影片，裡面一段討論讓我頗有感處。
對於修行是否對你的生活帶來幫助，你是否從修行中獲得成長，有個簡單的指標，那就是你回應世界的方式，是否有所改變。
回應世界的方式包含：回應你自己的情緒、回應你自己的觀點，回應你聽到的消息，回應他人對你的觀點，回應所有你經歷到的事情，你的方式是否產生改變。
本來你很容易被他人牽著鼻子走，但現在慢慢的可以有一些空間，可以緩個幾秒再做出反應；或是本來很容易暴躁、易怒或憂鬱，但現在了解如何先行處理自己的情緒，不再那麼容易受到外界的影響而反應過度。
你回應世界方式的改變，就是你修行有進步的徵兆。
就算你練習瑜伽或冥想（修行）並非真的為了追求解脫或破解人生的幻象，並非有意成為一位虔誠的佛教徒，但這種潛意識的淨化，仍然對我們的日常生活有相當大的幫助。
以前的我，如果經歷這些波瀾起伏，可能會真的會一蹶不振好一陣子，或是拿身旁的人出氣，而殃及到身邊無辜的人。
但現在的我，可以有以上一連串的覺察，感受到自己的不踏實，慢慢拆解自己的情緒，透過讓自己舒服的方法，重新回到穩定的狀態。雖然問題暫時還沒有解除，但至少，我又可以再度有力量面對日常的糟心事，選擇不再用很糟糕的狀態去展開自己的每一天。
又想到前幾天和印尼同事聊天的內容，我們同為需要公司贊助工作簽的外國人，一同聊著公司最近的狀況，一起互相取暖。
我們聊到一位已經離開的韓國前同事，她離職前的情緒之糟大概所有人在幾個月前就已經可以感受得到，烏雲籠罩的狀態，讓身邊的人也都莫名的感到憂鬱。
聊到另外一位新加坡的同事，可能因為新加坡政經環境相對安全及有秩序，國家對於人民生活的發展與福利制度也建置的相當完善（例如HDB政府組屋及CPF政府公積金等等的制度），基本上新加坡國民只要照著政府的規劃走，都可以擁有穩定且不錯的生活品質，因而這位同事不太喜歡事情「有變化」，只要變化不如她的意，她就常常會反應相當大，且不願意接受改變。
印尼同事很有智慧的說：「世界上唯一不變的，就是隨時都在改變，如果沒有這樣的心態，人生的一切都會很困難。」
他又提到說：「這位新加坡同事應該來印尼生活看看。印尼的生活每天都充滿不確定性，每天都充滿著問題，只能努力面對並解決問題。」然後他又補充：「或許她也應該去台灣體驗看看，每天被鄰居導彈威脅的生活是什麼樣子，或許抗壓性會變得好一點。」
不知道他這段話的意思是要肯定台灣人的堅韌還怎麼樣，雖然心情有點複雜，但管他這樣的態度是樂觀，或其實是已經悲觀到底，只能選擇繼續起身勇敢面對，我知道我可以決定我面對這些事情的態度——開心是一天，不開心也是一天，就算心情再怎麼不好，毛毛躁躁的去面對生活，絕對不會讓你的情況變得更好。
我覺得瑜伽和冥想，真的是一種可以把心情熨燙平整的好方法。雖然問題不會像魔術般神奇的立刻消失，但每次當皺摺又起的候，稍微熨燙整理一下，又可以是舒服清爽的嶄新開始。
Today my frame of mind is a bit strange, but I can’t say exactly why. It’s like having several symptoms of sorrow, but I don’t know what the illness is. Today, I’m feeling a little bit lazy, but I can’t say exactly why. It’s like having several symptoms of sorrow, but I don’t know what the illness is.
David Tao’s Black Tangerine perfectly encapsulates my mood from a while back (I was suddenly struck by the fact that this song is already 22 years old—time is relentless, yet it still sounds like a classic today).
Recently, my emotions have been rather peculiar, as if I’m constantly distracted, floating aimlessly with no sense of grounding. It wasn’t until I finished my morning yoga routine today that I finally felt my soul and body align once more.
I believe these feelings stem from the recent string of external changes and my inner attempts to recalibrate.
Since the company’s restructuring at the beginning of the year, there have been waves of layoffs, a new Group CEO has been appointed, and only recently has there been a clearer sense of direction. While sporadic layoffs continue, the situation seems to have improved slightly compared to the panic and uncertainty earlier in the year. It’s likely that the colleagues unable to cope with the pressure of the unknown chose to resign, which somewhat spared the company from further large-scale layoffs, as most people would eventually leave on their own at this rate.
But those who remain aren’t necessarily faring any better.
Our team, which started with seven members at the beginning of the year, is now down to four. While we’ve slightly eased the pressure of potential layoffs, the hiring freeze has left us with a significant increase in workload.
In recent weeks, colleagues have either been laid off or resigned almost weekly. Although I understand this is an inevitable result of organisational restructuring, it’s hard not to feel disheartened, especially watching colleagues I was close to leave one by one, leaving me with a bittersweet mix of emotions.
For foreign workers like myself who rely on the company’s sponsorship for a work visa, leaving is not an option, no matter how much we might want to. This sense of powerlessness adds to the mental strain. The blend of pressure, frustration, helplessness, uncertainty, and confusion, alongside the expectations I place on myself, has left me feeling somewhat adrift lately.
It wasn’t until today’s yoga session that I finally felt a reunion between mind and body, through the flow of movement, breath, and stretching of the spirit. It suddenly made me realise how far I had wandered from my own mantra of “mindfulness is living in the moment.” Over the past few weeks, I truly had no idea where my mind had been.
As I moved through the yoga practice, experiencing physical soreness, stretching sensations, and deep awareness of breath, I felt alive once more. It made me wonder how I used to cope with stress before I had yoga and exercise in my life. Back then, I might have sought to “feel alive” by over-stimulating my senses—engaging in activities that flooded my mind and body with external stimuli, like drowning my anxieties in a crowded bar, allowing the music and alcohol to numb me. Alternatively, I might have indulged in retail therapy, making impulsive purchases or dining at expensive restaurants, hoping the rich flavours would distract me from the vague sense of emptiness. It’s similar to how someone in critical condition might rely on a defibrillator, hoping to revive their heartbeat.
In the past, I sometimes cried after drinking too much, but now, I find that after yoga or meditation, I occasionally shed tears of relief. Though both release emotions, the two experiences feel distinctly different. Drunken tears often lead to a headache and a mess, offering no sense of refreshment the next day. In contrast, the tears after yoga or meditation feel as though they wash away something deep within, bringing a soothing sense of release and liberation (even though the process of inner excavation can sometimes be uncomfortable).
Nowadays, I seem to prefer the latter approach to coping with stress, as it offers a more stable and lasting sense of relief.
Not long ago, a video titled <The Zen Master Doesn’t Meditate> appeared in my YouTube recommendations. One part of the discussion deeply resonated with me.
To assess whether your practice is helping you grow and improve in life, there is a simple indicator: how has your response to the world changed?
The way we respond to the world includes how we respond to our own emotions, perspectives, the news we hear, other people’s views of us, and all the events we experience. Has your approach to these responses changed?
Perhaps you used to be easily led by others, but now you find space to pause before reacting. Or maybe you used to be prone to anger or depression, but now you’ve learned to manage your emotions before they escalate, no longer overreacting to external triggers.
This change in how we respond to the world is a sign that your practice is progressing.
Even if your yoga or meditation practice is not necessarily aimed at attaining enlightenment or breaking through the illusions of life, and even if you don’t intend to become a devout Buddhist, this subconscious purification still greatly benefits your daily life.
In the past, after going through turbulent times, I might have been down for a long time or taken out my frustration on those around me. But now, I’m able to recognise my unease, slowly deconstruct my emotions, and use gentler methods to return to a stable state. Although the problems haven’t yet been resolved, at least I can once again muster the strength to face life’s challenges, choosing not to let a poor state of mind dictate each day.
This reminded me of a recent conversation with a colleague from Indonesia. As foreign employees relying on the company for visa sponsorship, we’ve been supporting each other as we navigate the current uncertainties at work.
We spoke about a former colleague from Korea who left not long ago. Everyone could sense her dark mood months before her departure—an atmosphere of gloom that seemed to affect everyone around her.
Then we discussed a Singaporean colleague, who likely enjoys the stability and security that Singapore offers, with its well-developed social welfare systems like HDB and CPF. She’s not fond of change, and whenever something doesn’t go her way, she has quite a strong reaction, resisting any shift from her status quo.
My Indonesian colleague wisely said, “The only constant in life is change. Without this mindset, everything becomes much harder.” He then added, “Perhaps she should try living in Indonesia, where life is filled with daily uncertainties and challenges, and one must simply face them head-on.” He then joked, “Or perhaps she should experience life in Taiwan, living under the constant threat of missiles from neighbouring countries. Maybe that would help build her resilience.”
I’m not sure if he meant to compliment the resilience of the Taiwanese, but whether his perspective is optimistic or reflects a certain depth of pessimism, it’s clear that we have no choice but to rise and face these challenges. I know I have the power to choose how I respond to these situations—whether I approach each day with joy or with gloom. Either way, brooding won’t improve the situation.
I truly believe that yoga and meditation are remarkable ways to smooth out the creases in our minds. Although they may not magically make problems disappear, when the wrinkles inevitably reappear, a little bit of mindfulness can refresh and prepare us for a bright new beginning.
2 comments
異國生活很不簡單，加油！
謝謝您的鼓勵，一起加油！